● 24 Speaking of ... are you writing something?

Four weeks ago yesterday, an anonymous note was posted on our entrance doors, written in so-so swedish. Directly translated, it read something like this:

N.B.

My pet an inland taipan (snake) has unfortunately escaped she is 130 cm long, calm, calm she’s not poisionous until she’s grown up, right now she’s a ”teenager” yellow/green/brown spotted with triangular shaped head.

She likes damp and dark places, was fed the days before she disappeared (3 days ago) so she won’t get hungry for 2-3 weeks. Both county vet, police (114) and 112 have been contacted.

If/when you find her let the animal be and contact the above mentioned authorities.

Thank you in advance

Sincerely yours, the owner

This caused quite a stir in our building, since it sounds like a bad joke, but you can't be 100% sure that it is. Moreover, we soon learned that the inland taipan is poisonious from the moment it has hatched.

After a week, the real estate manager posted another note saying that a snake hunter was working in the building, and that the attic was shut off.

Then nothing. For two weeks. Then I got annoyed of the information vacuum and sort of alerted the media... thinking that a short notice in the local newspaper could help get more information out of the real estate manager. Only, it seems the media was starving for something poisionous, on home turf, that everyone could relate to, instead of huge calamities in Japan, New Zeeland and Northen Africa. The "short notice" turned up as a spread, that was picked up by national newspapers on Sunday, and then radio, and TV. The talk of the week! (I was even on the radio - twice! And my neighbour on TV. Yikes!) Everyone I meet askes med "have they caught the snake yet??!"

After a hectic week of being hunted by media, the city's environmental department now urges the real estate manager to search all apartments, and will use forced entry if the tenants don't collaborate. In the middle of this, a conspiracy theory dawned on me. What about the guy that was evicted in September? Wouldn't this be the perfect subtle revenge on his former neighbours? At least the door code has not been changed since he moved out... Hm.

☼ 23 Speaking of ... excuse me.

I went to see a show – it was just one man on stage, a stool, no microphone, he had a glass of water. He just talked to us really. He was telling us a story (a long one), about a man who decides to commit suicide but who takes so long to write his last letters that it's difficult to get around to actually committing suicide. The man telling the story first told us that he had stomach problems and was concerned about having to run off stage at any minute (he never did). But just in case, for a story about taking your time, it was told at breakneck speed ... mostly. We were about twenty minutes in, suddenly the man stopped telling the story and turned to a woman in the audience,

Man: What, are you doing?

He walks closer to the woman who's sitting in the fourth row.
Everyone laughs.

Man: Are you writing something?

Everyone laughs.
Woman shakes her head.
Everyone laughs.

Man: It's ok, I don't mind at all.

Man walks back to the middle of the stage but then turns and walks back to the edge, closer again to the woman.

Man: I'm just curious.

Woman says nothing and tries to slide down in her chair.
Everyone laughs.

Man: I get distracted really easily you see, I'm not trying to have a go at you. It's perfectly alright that you were writing something, I just wanted to know what it was.

Woman: I was just … drawing a lion.

Some people laugh, but not everyone's sure about what she said. Some people probably think they couldn't have heard her say she was drawing a lion. I was thinking – did she say 'lion?' Or 'line?' Other people probably couldn't hear much of what she said at all.

Man: A lion? You were drawing a lion.

He walks back to the middle of the stage with his head down, he turns,

Man: Well. That's one of the finest critical reviews I've ever had. What did you think of the show? Well, I drew a lion.

● 22 Speaking of ... giving, and not exactly appropriate

Yesterday, a man was sitting outside the food store begging. I didn't have any change, but offered him two buns. "Oh, one is enough" he said, "I'm a small eater". "Oh" smiled I, "are you full?"

Only problem is I actually said full.

In swedish that means drunk (or 'filled'). Unrepearable.

I said it very friendly and smiling. But oh so wrong... Tried to quickly repair it by adding "full stomach I mean".

Gah.

He said nothing.

Biked home blushing.